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The Darksucker Theory

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies. The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs light. In actuality, these "light" bulbs absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined: the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest know particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth, that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK. Scientist have now proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on the celestial scale: witness the sun. Our sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the sun.
Occasionally, the sun actually over sucks: under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the sun. Scientists have long studied these "sunspots" and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the sun has over sucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as the stream out into space at high velocity via the black holes in the surface of the sun.
As with all man-made devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the Power Company via the wires. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark. You have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark, which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet, for it can only collect dark. It has no transmission capabilities, Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate cause of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark, which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called "recharging") or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

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How Mil-specs Live Forever

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between the rails) is 4 feet,8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did *they* use that gauge? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagons would break wheels and axles on some of the old long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built the old rutted roads that way? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification (Military Spec) for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Mil-specs and bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

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